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To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Wait a minute…
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
checking out some reviews of my local library
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.