COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
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[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine