a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
You Might Also Like
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!