My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
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I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
This is a whole mood;
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?