Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
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Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx