Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
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I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly