Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
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ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
*watches the world burn*
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.