A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I want what they have
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?