Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
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A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”