My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
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I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos