[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
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Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*