White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
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Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Living the best life.. 😊
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
When you let grandma cat sit
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Somebody’s lying.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?