Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
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[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.