Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
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*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity