馃悹
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Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I鈥檓 sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who鈥檚 getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I鈥檒l be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don鈥檛 remember
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
My niece told me Titanic wasn鈥檛 its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Tremendous stuff
My pet snake took my kid鈥檚 disappearance so hard, he鈥檚 gained 110 lbs since last week.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I鈥檇 just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well鈥eally good footballin’
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Breaking news:
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.