I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
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One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”