A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
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God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry