All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
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Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS