Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
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I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
This kid is a star!
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.