I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
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Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
God making man in his image was the original selfie
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.