Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
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[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”