I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
You Might Also Like
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
lol
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*