I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
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At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I have a new favorite meme page
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.