Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
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Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.