Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
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I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
huge if true: the moon
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes