I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
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There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything