Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
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Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.