WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
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Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
my favorite genre of twitter
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”