I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
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Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right