Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
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I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…