*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
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Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Meow
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry