I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
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I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Does it…does it take 3 days
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.