When I snag the last meatball.
You Might Also Like
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
“Why you watching this shit?”
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*