Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
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promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
when revenge coincides with naptime
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American