Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
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[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask