What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
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If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
🙂🙃🥹
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.