I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
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“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.