*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
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“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
🤣
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Oh, I bet you would be
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
get you a girl who
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.