Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
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Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?