Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
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i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.