Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
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[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Me, flirting😏
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.