dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now she’s just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
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Where thereβs a will thereβs a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorrβ¦
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Iβve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and Iβm really starting to think that my friends & I arenβt going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And thatβs just sad.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Ugh
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
When I found out WAP didnβt mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my nieceβs graduation card π€¦πΌββοΈ
Kevins first time outside π he was absolutely bewildered
Weβre not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because theyβre a distraction, but so far no oneβs realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
At my daughterβs 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure sheβs eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if sheβd ever actually met a 4yo.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
me: you can get hurt when you donβt listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but thatβs not the point
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
[speed dating]
Her: Iβm a little bit country.
Me: Iβm a little bit ready for the next person.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
βBut that means…β
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
βyou should exercise for at least 30 minutes every dayβ ok and how much if youβre not trying to go to the olympics ?
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Ainβt no way