Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
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Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
happy mother’s day❤️
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day