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“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
i think we should see other cousins
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single