[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
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Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol