Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
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An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.