I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
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“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.