ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
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US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.