I’d hang this in my house.
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Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!