People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
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*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Can. I. Help. You.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
i choose….tongue
Otters see a butterfly.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed